Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize