I wish I could punch you in the face.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
