my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
