The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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