You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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