bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
