I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
