If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
