i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
