Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
