dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
