After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
