I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
