I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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