the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
porn star boner night. come get it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
