Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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