Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I love having hate sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
