Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
