Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm getting married
To pizza
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
