I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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