I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
