can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
