im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
