You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
