Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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