please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
