Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize