Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
try to milk me bitch
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
