i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
