I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
