I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize