the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
