I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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