Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
