Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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