filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
