i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
