Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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