woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
