Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
