Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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