just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
