The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
