Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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