If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
