Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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