Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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