Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
