During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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