Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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