this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize