ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
