he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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