just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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