Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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