I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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