i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
