She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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