hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
