I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
