and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
